If ii had to place a name to 2018 it would be, “Heal By All Means Necessary” and ii do mean ALL means. Especially for those of us that choose to return here as change makers, ushers of the new earth, examples, healers, influencers, light workers and shadow workers. A really big shout out to the shadow workers out there. Shadow workers are often time overlooked, but this year has truly been the year for comforting personal shadows.
The year started off exhausting , although ii could sense change and a divine shift coming, ii has become depleted. Tired of trying, tired of having to have it figured out, tired of my dance with perfection, tired of helping people only to have them turn against me, tired of feeling alone in a world surrounded by family. ii truly invested all of my everything in the name of love only to realize ii was living in a world that didn't truly honor love (although they had grown accustomed pretending). ii had people living in my home taking from me, ii had members of my tribe taking from me, ii had so called spiritual leaders in my home performing rituals against me. Seemed like ii have mastered giving, people had mastered taking, and ii just wished to master receiving. ii had lost 25 pounds not eating, pretending like ii was fasting. ii was hungry without motivation to feed myself. The Universe was pleading for me to care for myself, urging me to love myself more and to acknowledge my worth. (At the time my worth was associated with a value system appointed by all outside of me).
January ended with me being in the hospital. ii had survived a near fatal car crash. The impact of the collision was so severe that my seat detached from the frame of the car and just like that, little ole me went flying through the air only to be stopped by the impacted of my head colliding with the underpass of a bridge. While ii was in the hospital recovering, people that once resembled friends were in my home rummaging through my stuff, stealing my belongings, and creating stories of low vibrations about me.
If God, The Universe, Spirit, Ancestors, Source, or whomever wanted to get my attention, they were surely doing one hell of a good job. All ii could hear was let go, love yourself more than you love them, release all things that do not serve you, reveal your truest self, deserve your worth, remember what's seen in your dreams, will it forward, be divine. At that moment ii had to surrender and start the practice of release by trustfully letting go. ii had to forgive myself and anyone that ii ever blamed, ii had to set safe boundaries, ii had to release myself from the responsibility of being anything for anybody, ii had to quit life as ii knew it. Now trust me, this was especially hard since somehow ii thought ii finally made it, you know found myself, my purpose in life. ii had to learn how to move gentle, be careful, be present, and discern everything. Funny how you can think you are living a dream when in reality you are hiding in pain. ii was tired and didn’t know how to honor myself enough to rest.
How can ii rest when ii have to help the Universe take care of me?
ii visited depression and spent months trying to convince myself that being depressed was meant for me. People worried about me and ii started to worry about myself. ii just wanted to get back to my life, wanted to get back to teaching, wanted to get back to pretending my happiness mattered, when my reality was screaming that ii wasn’t ok. ii went running to people who ii knew, who ii have helped and begged for them to give me some guidance. At that moment ii was looked in the eye and told, “how can ii share anything with you when you taught me these things?” Where was my support system and who could ii trust to support me in this most vulnerable space in my life? Why were so many denying and blaming me? Why does everything feel like betrayal? The next 8 months of the year ii spent in rehab, getting back to happy, and learning how to love myself. ii learned that if ii stop betraying myself, ii would stop manifesting betrayal. ii really wanted to quit, ii really wanted to give up, and honestly ii really wanted to hide alone in my misery. ii found myself no longer wishing to hug people, be kind to people or speak to people. Often wondered why ii choose to show up for people in the first place. All of these things were opposite of my own reality and resembled nightmares past. A beautiful priestess reminded me that ii am not doing the work of the people but the work of the divine. Just like that a light bulb was dusted off! It was time for me to focus on the work of the divine, it was time for me to live divine. Not outwardly but inwardly. If ii truly wished to receive, ii must trust the seeds planted throughout my lifetime. Trust that my presence was a gift and my showing up was more than enough. That ii was the answer to someone's prayer. ii was glad to be that someone and to have received an answered prayer. If ii am a answered prayer then that must mean my prayers have been answered! It was up to be to trust and stay living in the sequence of the Universe. Without seeing it, ii could feel it, and by feeling it, ii knew it was true.
This year ii grew more comfortable trusting the unknown, while living the unknown and being the unknown. ii stopped trying to know everything, realizing some stuff ain’t meant to be figured out unless you are the giver of life and ii didn’t applying for that position. ii am ok receiving life and not just life but my life and by receiving my life ii receive the sweetest reward ever. ii receive me! Not a whole me, not a completed me, not a perfected me, but a me, and that has always been God's plan.
God never wanted you to be more than just yourself. You yourself have always been more than enough. (If the word God triggers you, simply replace it with whatever and the message will serve the same).
Move Love Always,
H. Alejaibra Badu